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Posts Tagged ‘writing’

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I know I tend to take my time. I have this bad habit of almost completing things, and then halt my work just before I reach the finishing line. Sometimes I wonder why that is, and I think I have a fairly clear view right now.

 

It’s really none of your business.

 

That is. My creations are mine, and greedy as I am, they’re all mine, and so they belong to me. It’s not like I’m making the world a better place. All the negativity I have in me is poured into my music, so in a sense I’m doing you all a favor.

 

Anyways. My creations are dear to me, and close to my heart. And someone once told me I can be painfully honest, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more honest than I am in what I’m doing right now. Down to the point that it worries me a little bit what people might think. Not that I should care what people think, but I don’t like harming innocents, or myself, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve done my fair share of both.

 

The process of writing Ruin has taken much longer than expected. I keep writing new songs. And they tend to make older songs either seem pale, or in need of more work. It is all good though. It makes the whole that much better, but it can be a very taxing process for me. Mentally exhausting. It’s like exorcising demons, and that is never fun until you’re done with it. Considering I’ve been exorcising these very demons for a couple of years now though, I think I’m starting to feel like enough is enough.

 

All I know for sure right now is that I hope autumn will be very colorful, windy and rainy. If those three requirements aren’t met, the release of Ruin might have to wait till hopefully the requirements are met next year.

 

I have a very clear vision of what I want to do, both visually and musically, and I can’t do this any other way.

 

It probably won’t be very pretty, but that is in a good, and necessary way.

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Sound.

It is the eternal struggle and the eternal mystery, and right now it is a struggle. Have you ever known precisely what you want? Where down to the very tiniest detail you knew?

Well, I do. Right now. I know what I want, but it refuses to happen.

Something is wrong with the sound. Where it should be big, hollow, empty and a fair bit intimidating, it just sounds sharp. No matter what I do. I fear heavy rewriting will be needed, but I do not want that. I like the elements in it so far. It’s organic, imposing, almost sexy if I dear say so. It is placed high on my increasingly long list of musical pieces to finish for my next release.

But then there is this sound. This empty hall where instruments are violated in order to produce tonal pleasure.

It keeps escaping me.

My overall perspective on how everything should be presented has changed in recent years. I’ve always distorted things, but it has still remained somehow “pretty”.

Now I can’t distort it enough. It can’t be cold, distant or unpleasant enough. I don’t want perfection, I want the opposite. I want instruments that sound like they’ve died, and now they’re just being tortured.

And it needs to be performed in a big empty hall, with large shadows surrounding you, where you have only half an inch of a flickering candle left to keep you company.

I’ll get there.

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Confidence

I suffer from a lack of confidence.

It is something that has always been there to shed doubts on what I’m doing when I’m right in the middle of doing it. And this lack of confidence trancends any compliment I might recieve.

This goes back to when I was young and would sit and draw. People would compliment me on pretty much anything I did, and this bothered me to the point of almost upsetting me and thinking less of them.

Why couldn’t they see that this wasn’t really that good? All I ever saw were the things that needed improving, the things that weren’t quite right. And until I got them right, there was no use in saying it was any good.

I have now written, or rather, I’m now in the middle of writing two songs. Two very different songs that I feel both capture well both what The Dead Birds is, and what I am. Which all in all is pretty much the same, but there are still facets of me that doesn’t end up in the music.

The problem I face now is the problem I’m now starting to remember that I always face when I’m at this stage.

Doubt.

Severe doubt.

I’m starting to not be so sure wether or not the songs that a couple of days ago sounded fantastic, are any good. It’s like the initial rush has settled. I’m at the point where I listen and listen and listen, and I get so lost in the listening that I have no idea how to progress.

Should I add vocals or not? And if I do, what should they be?

I don’t think in words when it comes to music, I think i melodies, and this almost always ensures that words and voices are the last thing to end up in a song.

I think I need to step away for a few days to get some distance and try again with fresh ears.

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